Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
