I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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