All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
