"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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