How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
