About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
