having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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