apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
