If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
