Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize