Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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