I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
