we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
