1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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