Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
