i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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