just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
