I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
