i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
