That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
