I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
