I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
kristin has been a bad kristin
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
