I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
