my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
