sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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