I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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