i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
