are you still at the devil's house?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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