I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
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He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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