and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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