Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Thank you for not boning my boss.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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