she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
