I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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