I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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