Michael Bay diarrhea
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
