I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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