ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
