it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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