Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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