Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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