I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
