quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
