Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
3 2 1 whiskey
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
