You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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