I haven't been this sober since birth.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
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I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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