I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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