dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
