I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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