Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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