So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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