hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
