Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
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