Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
