Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
