Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
