I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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