I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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