I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
